


A Toast to Broken Things

by TongueTiedRaven



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Character Study, Daddy Issues, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Learning to trust, M/M, Mentions of alcoholism, Repairing Relationships, Trust Issues, hurt comfort, minor cram group
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:06:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26236864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TongueTiedRaven/pseuds/TongueTiedRaven
Summary: Ryuuji was five the first time he remembered his father drinking.He wanted to show his dad his new picture and had run to his parents’ room. His mother was standing near the dresser with her back to him and his father was swaying at the foot of their bed. His robes were hanging sloppily off his shoulder and he was flushed like he had a fever.His father saw him and beamed. “Ryuuji!” He said too loudly. “How ya doin’?”  He lifted up his picture a little intending on showing his dad but something didn’t feel right.“Whatcha got there?” His dad took a step towards him and swayed. He bumped into the wall and almost fell over. “Oops!” He laughed and Ryuuji felt a little scared.Torako turned towards him and knelt so she was on his level. She pulled him into a tight hug but not quickly enough that he missed the tears on her face. She kissed his cheek.  “Go on now.” She gave him a little push towards the door. “You can show daddy your picture tomorrow for breakfast. ‘Kay?”His dad caught him in a hug that was too tight and smelled weird. A bristly kiss was pressed to his forehead before his dad pulled away and fell on the bed.He forgot to show his dad the picture the next morning.
Relationships: Okumura Rin/Suguro "Bon" Ryuuji
Comments: 14
Kudos: 144





	A Toast to Broken Things

The first time Ryuuji remembered his father drinking he was five. He had just finished his lessons for the day and he wanted to show his daddy his newest drawing. It was of Konekomaru and Renzou and he was _so_ proud of it. He’d drawn them in front of the temple and you could really tell which building it was. 

He’d looked for his father all over the temple and he couldn’t find him. He’d rushed to the inn, his picture flapping through the air as he dashed, and searched every room. The head monk was nowhere to be found inside.

He was promptly stumped and wandered back outside curiously. He found his mother in the garden with Renzou’s older sister. They were quietly talking about something and his mom looked unhappy. 

He hadn’t understood what they were saying. The words were too long and didn’t make sense. 

It wasn’t until after dinner when he was getting dressed for bed that he heard his father’s familiar voice echoing in the halls. He pulled on his sleep shirt and grabbed his picture back up. He ran down the hall and to his parents’ room. His mother was standing near the dresser with her back to him and his father was swaying at the foot of their bed. His robes were hanging sloppily off his shoulder and he was flushed like he had a fever.

“Dad?” He asked quietly from the doorway. It felt like he wasn’t supposed to be in there even though he was allowed to give them a kiss and hug before he was sent to bed for the night. 

His father turned towards him and beamed. “Ryuuji!” He said way too loudly. “How ya doin’?”

He lifted up his picture a little intending on showing his dad but something didn’t feel right. He couldn’t figure out what it was. His dad looked happy even if he looked a little sick.

“Whatcha got there?” His dad took a step towards him and swayed. He bumped into the wall and almost fell over. “Oops!” He laughed and Ryuuji felt a little scared.

His mother set her hair clips on the dresser. “It’s time for bed sweetie.” Her voice was wet and his heart instantly hurt to hear it. He shuffled towards her and didn’t notice the smile slip off his dad’s face. 

Torako turned towards him and knelt so she was on his level. She pulled him into a tight hug but not quickly enough that he missed the tears on her face. She kissed his cheek and hugged him again. 

“Go on now.” She squeezed his arms and gave him a little push towards the door. “You can show daddy your picture tomorrow for breakfast. ‘Kay?”

He nodded and shuffled back. His dad caught him in a hug that was too tight and smelled weird. A bristly kiss was pressed to his forehead before his dad pulled away and fell on the bed.

He forgot to show his picture the next morning.

* * *

It took him a few more years to put all the pieces together. He had to hand it to his fellow temple members, they were _excellent_ at keeping the worst parts from him. He was ushered away or distracted anytime his father came home truly drunk and on the nights when he didn’t come home at all Ryuuji would suddenly have an early lessons somewhere far away from where his father should be. They were always respectful of the absent master and spared Ryuuji for far too many years (in his opinion.)

However, all the half answered questions and distractions in the world couldn’t keep the obvious hidden forever. 

He watched his temple deteriorate and his father fall further and further into the hold of alcohol. The vision of his father stumbling into the house after he’d been cut off at the local bar mixed with all his earlier memories of his dad. He would remember his dad chanting and tending the flame and see his father falling on the front steps in a drunken stupor. He’d remember his dad playing with him in the garden and see his father’s empty seat at the table.

He did what any child would do. He rebelled. Most rebellion would have consisted of rejecting his birthright and acting like a punk reject. His consisted of embracing his role as the Bocchan and dedicating himself to being the best at everything. He got his ears pierced to see if he father would notice and was infuriated that all his dad was angry at was that he refused to give up his role as the future leader of the temple.

He hated how his father became a laughing stock and that he seemed content to give lies and half truths as an excuse for his actions. He was weak and not fit for leadership. If he could just put the damn bottle aside and focus he’d see that they desperately needed a leader. 

But any time Ryuuji asked he was given a walk around. “Don’t worry, son. Just do what you want.” Or more frustratingly, “I can’t tell you.” Most irritating of all was: “You’re imagining it, Ryuuji. Stop being so serious.”

He could not stand being lied to. He was not the ignorant five year old who didn’t know what a drunk was and couldn’t tell when someone was lying to his face.

He dyed his hair in a hope that people who knew his father would not look too closely at his last name. He didn’t want to be judged as the son of a drunk failure. He wanted to be judged solely for his own accomplishments.

He had judged everyone harshly in those first months. Yukio was the only one he had been impressed with. The younger teen had ambitions and an incredible amount of self control. 

It took far more drama for him to get to the point with the rest of the class. Rin easily stole for most dramatic friendship. Diving in front of a reaper was stupid and immediately set a presidence for how wild the friendship was going to be. 

He had hated the recklessness immediately and he couldn’t understand why. He put it down as irritation that the blue-eyed teen had clearly not thought his actions out. 

Izumo earned a friendship slot by finally getting off her ass and sending her back-talking familiars to his aid while the giant ghoul tried to choke him into silence. He’d finished that verse and decided to over look her earlier uselessness. It might have been something more than just laziness. She was still irritating but he had a feeling her anger hid something else. He couldn’t help but see a familiar pain in her maroon eyes. He didn’t want to look too closely.

He had no idea when Shiemi became his friend. The quiet girl was earnest and reminded him of his mother’s inn. The warm feeling of belonging and acceptance. 

He watched Rin ignite on fire with the flames of satan and he couldn’t help but think: _liar._

He could have worked it out quicker if it wasn’t for the alcohol. He’d made a vow to himself to never drink a drop. He would _not_ become his father. 

Sitting in the garden of his mother’s inn his vow was unwillingly broken because Shura was an idiot and he’d been too angry to notice what had happened. He woke up with a hangover and threw up for reasons entirely unrelated to what the alcohol had done to his head. He spent the entire morning praying at his temple and tending the flames. He embraced the anger and watched the trust of everyone in his temple start to crumble as Mamushi betrayed them and Rin tried to hit him.

They worked it out in the middle of a castle made of miasma. Blue and red flames surrounded them while Ryuuji decided to trust Rin for this moment and Rin didn’t fail him.

It got a little easier to trust after that. Well, to trust _Rin_ after that. Learning who his father was and what he had done didn’t make anything better, really. It just gave a reason for why his father was the failure that was content sweeping the inn and ignoring his duties.

Rin drew him out of his studies. The halfling showed up all the time at the most random moments and demanded attention. He’d have some ridiculous plan and before Ryuuji would quite know what was going on he’d find himself on some random adventure with the son of Satan. They went on hikes and got lost. They went to gyms and got in endurance challenges (Rin had to manage five times Ryuuji’s weights to make it fair) They practiced their weapons against the shooting machines and caused way more destruction than any practice session should. 

Rin taught him how to make curry and he taught Rin how to meditate. He showed the halfling how to properly take notes and Rin showed him the secret paths to the roof.

That was where Rin first kissed him. It was terrifying and exhilarating and felt like kneeling in the miasma castle again. Rin standing in front of him with a soft smile asking to be trusted.

It had been easy to trust then, it was so much harder now. He could imagine the hundreds of times he had seen tears in his mother’s eyes. All the times his father had failed her in some way. All the times he had lied about what he was doing and all the times he had chosen a drink over them. He understood the why but it didn’t make the hurt any less. 

Rin had lied but Rin had also shown up. 

He kissed the halfling back and tried to ignore the frantic beating of his heart. 

* * *

Their first real fight happened when Renzou dragged them to a party to celebrate the end of another school year. It had started off perfect. Rin’s hand was in his and the music was just a little too loud. He could feel it in his entire body and it had only taken a moment for Rin to press up against him. They’d danced together in a way Ryuuji had never thought he’d dance with anyone and Rin’s hands had been warm on his hip and neck. They’d shared a kiss before he pulled away. He wasn’t comfortable going any further in front of so many people. Rin had laughed-not cruelly- and kissed his nose. 

He’d been so happily in love. He watched Rin wriggle through the crowd to check on Shiemi and get them some drinks. Izumo had Shiemi safe and Rin returned with two red cups. He accepted the soda and felt his nose twitch when he caught a whiff of Rin’s drink.

He’d recognize the scent of beer anywhere.

The music was too loud and his head spun as Rin took a drink. He set his own cup down and grabbed the nearest wall to support himself. It was stupid and it was everything he was scared of. He knocked the cup out of Rin’s hands and shouted before backing away.

He didn’t remember running away but he did. He ran through dark streets and didn’t stop until he was at a train station. His heart was pounding and his hands were shaking. He could feel his phone vibrating in his pocket but he couldn’t answer it. He escaped on the train and returned to the academy. He went to the gym and spent at least an hour going through his reps and running laps. He took a long shower and returned to his room. Konekomaru and Rin were waiting and not happy.

He considered running away again because he couldn’t imagine having that conversation right then. Rin still smelt of alcohol (which was his fault. He’d knocked the beer on to Rin) and it made him nauseous. The fear was tangible in his stomach and it was mixing with a deep shame and surging anger.

His escape was cut off by Rin and he was forced to talk. After a half hour of stuttered and growled words Konekomaru coaxed him into taking the conversation to the cram school. It was empty so he could get loud if he needed to and no one would hear. 

He started with anger and Rin responded in kind. It took a bit of yelling before he finally heard the fear in Rin’s voice. He calmed down enough to breathe and looked at his boyfriend. Blue eyes looked at him in confusion for why he was so upset. Rin caught his hands and he had to close his own eyes.

 _Trust me_ , those blue eyes were begging. Telling meant revealing weakness. Telling meant Rin would know things that could hurt him.

He didn’t explain everything. He explained enough so that Rin would understand his problems with alcohol but he couldn’t go into all the shit with his parents.

It would take him years to be honest about all of that.

* * *

There were more parties and more drinks. It got easier to trust as they stuck together. Rin would check on his mental state before drinking and he made it a point to ditch any drink if Ryuuji got nervous. There were places they’d clash on but Rin seemed to realize this was an area Ryuuji couldn’t compromise on. He bent to meet him there just like Ryuuji bent to meet him on never leaving in the middle of a fight. (He hadn’t known about Father Fujimoto. If he had he would have stayed and explained himself. He didn’t want to put Rin through that terrible fear that the last thing he said would be mean.)

It was slow but he learned to trust. 

He whispered the full story to Rin in the dark of the night when he was curled around Rin’s back. It was easier to talk like that. In the silence when he could feel Rin but didn’t have to see his face. Rin listened and held him close with his tail gently winding around Ryuuji’s arm. Chapped lips would brush against his knuckles whenever his voice cracked.

Rin had thanked him and kissed him properly and Ryuuji held on and promised himself that he wasn’t going to turn into his father. He wouldn’t lose this. 

* * *

It was Rin, because it couldn’t be anyone else, that helped repair the relationship with his father. Rin practically walked around with a sign over his head that said ‘daddy issues’ and he was a bleeding heart to fix any daddy issues he saw. 

He showed tact with this. Ryuuji could count on one hand the number of times Rin had shown tact in his life and he didn’t need all the fingers. Rin won Ryuuji’s mother over in their first meeting and proceeded to charm her with every additional visit. They teamed up and managed to make each visit mostly civil until they didn’t have to put much of an effort forward. 

Watching his lover try so hard helped him to reach across the gap. 

It would never be what it could have been, but it was better and got easier each year.

* * *

He almost lost Rin to a massive demon attack. He spent too many nights at a hospital terrified for his husband’s life and incapable of imagining a life without Rin in it.

His hands shook with the need for escape and they were the longest days of his life. There was a bar within walking distance and for the first time in his life, he wanted to get a drink. He wanted to lose himself and forget this horrible fear. Konekomaru and Renzou were the only ones who knew the full story but the entire group sat with him until the shaking stopped and the urge passed.

He took Rin home and busied himself caring for the halfling until Rin forced the issue. It led to a shouting match of half described fears and tears until finally Rin’s arms were around him. 

“I’m still here.” He promised and Ryuuji trusted him.

* * *

It was a strange thing. He had watched his father become addicted to alcohol and hated it. He’d watched his father’s personality change and the brightness in his eyes dim as he was forced to lie and keep the best parts of himself hidden. He’d seen the weight on his dad’s back get heavier and the alcohol grow more constant until he hated it all. He’d vowed never to be that and he’d been ashamed that such a weakness was in his blood. 

But... Now with Rin spread beneath him, his blue eyes full of trust and hazy with desire… now he began to understand. Here in the soft glow of moonlight with Rin on white sheets that just made him look all the more blue, he understood how his father could lose himself in the need for just a sip more.

Just another taste of Rin’s lips, just another touch of soft skin and warm hair. Just one more moment in that feeling. 

He held the halfling close and whispered in his ear. He grew drunk on kissess and touches and lost himself in Rin. It was safe to do so, Rin would catch him. He could trust him.

**Author's Note:**

> I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't leave this plot idea alone. I spent way longer on it than I should have at three in the morning but what else are you gonna do when you can't sleep? It's not quite where I want it to be but I'm mostly happy. 
> 
> The title is a nod to the beautiful poem 'Ode to Broken Things' by Neruda. I'm basing this off a few of my own experiences and the fact that I really intended on exploring this more in my other story and never really did.


End file.
